random thoughts...

The abysmal state of affairs gets to you…
Have you ever felt the need to run from things that seem to be enveloping you at every living moment…frustration, futility, fragile bonds.
You often wonder is it how you view situations, or others view you. A desperate need to understand what you really want seems to cloud your mind without you knowing the ultimate solution.

Ever seen the waves…closely? It’s a cycle…an endless one…no pause…just the idea of motion keeps us alive…
The white sands, pristine blue waters…and you in the middle of the twirling whirlwind…

Loneliness is addictive. Have you ever thought about that?
Your headspace, the limitless notions of people’s perceptions…things beyond control…the uncontrollable agony and the need to overcome all of that seem to be so impossible that it ties you down…you fight…the boundless struggle…in vain.

You talk about space, the absolute necessity of allowing yourself to do what you want, the urge to free yourself from complications that surround you and often end up thinking…Why me?!

The ultimate ecstasy lies in your state of mind…get that rush of energy from what you believe in…

Confused, insecure, indignant, inability to take charge of things and make decisions…you desperately seek a vent…that which allows you to escape from the intriguing intricacies of life…the life that you lead, irrespective of whether you want it or not…situations put you in positions that you least expect…that you don’t even see coming…Well, welcome to the real world! Out of structured environment…sometimes it’s beyond you to hold on to things you really want to…

Let go…that’s so easy when you literally spell it out…just two words that takes a split of a second to utter and probably a couple of seconds to key in…People let go…at times so mercilessly that sometimes you end up wondering, after all, was any of it worth it anyway? And the irony is however hard you try, you’ll probably never find the answer till you’ve given up on LIFE…

Negativity can be encapsulating. Just when you feel that you’re making headway, you are struck by some unknown fleet of circumstances…it’s almost as if destiny knows not where to take you or where you want to tread.

Unpredictability is like alcohol. The more you have it, the more inebriated you get and even though you don’t know where it’s going to take you, the last sip is never enough…you just so desperately want more. Strange, I’d say, actually!

There’s something about wanting to do what you know not…treading unchartered territories, unaware of where the road might take you…the uncanny risks of living life to the fullest…someone once told me, ‘life lives you’…you don’t live life…guess it was true in certain ways. But I also feel it’s a personal perspective…aspects that you need not even think of till it actually hits you!!

Have you ever made the same mistakes over and over again….not knowing the tracks of time…the web of endless expectations and needs…demands and wants.

Why do I do this to myself? No answers. At times, people actually do it on purpose…trying to prove a point that probably lies in your headspace…I’d say you wallow in self-pity and nothing more…leave it alone…move on…life never ceases…and changes do happen…it’s how you take it and how you treat it…the choice lies with you. You live your life and ultimately how you want to live can be to a large extent decided by you…frustration and betrayals need not always lead to a pitiful existence seeking sympathy. Fight it out…believe in your gut…just know that every episode of your life has been a learning lesson and the least you can do is not to punish others for your embitterment. You’d end up hurting yourself much more than you could ever gauge…

Living in an unknown world has its own enigma and trust me, when I say that you should enjoy the euphoria till it lasts. The idea of exploring something new, discovering places that you’d never been to before has a befitting high involved with it, something that you will not experience the second time around. It’s just the way life is and will probably always be, I guess.

If there is one thing that I have learnt disappoints you, it is expectation. Even if someone loves you, expect nothing ‘coz it would normally fall short of what you desire/desired. But the problem lies in the fact that, that’s just a way of life…how do you control expectation. It’s not like you consciously want something…normally its only at the subconscious…things that you would never spell out, but ‘expect’ to be understood…so is the complexity of human life and human understanding. Life would’ve been so much simpler had there been an expectation interpreter…!!! And yes, there are times, you’d ask yourself: Am I right in expecting? Am I expecting too much? Am I not expecting enough? Questions that are bound to plague you but to which you have no answers because the human mind is so intangible. What you might expect just might be an awfully big deal to the person you expect from, if at all you have the opportunity to be vocal about what you want!

Do you ever get up in the morning, look out to the deepest horizons and ask yourself, what next? There are times, you will have some answers…you have to go to xyz, do xyz, meet xyz…today, tomorrow…and then….most of the time you’d probably not know. Does it unnerve you...and if you figure that out, well, you’re a genius. Coz one fine morning you just might wake up and it might be your 40th birthday and you still have the same thoughts…what next? So if you can figure out your life and if every morning seems perfectly solved, then you are ‘sorted out.’

I see so many people, so many faces everyday…most strangers and a few who are familiar…they walk the conventional wave…lost, but still moving towards something…I know not what! Sometimes, I want to walk the distance when everyone else is walking the opposite way…look at things in different perspectives…realize the very essence of not being one of them.

Do you ever feel that the world is an unsolvable enigma - the more you want to know, want to do, want to explore, the more you get sucked into the black hole. When I sleep every night, I say to myself…I want to do this, I want this to happen, I want to go here, I want to meet this person…do you see the only common word…’want’…so there you go, your deepest desires are always something that you want, but usually have not. And this want is not coveting…coz I wouldn’t want something that someone else has, I just want so many things, want to do so many things, want to explore so many aspects of ‘being me’.

What if life takes an about turn…are there any things you’d do differently…I probably would…quite a few things…transport to times that you wish never happened, things that you did, said or even believed…maybe I wouldn’t do quite a few things. And maybe I would do some things that I didn’t.

The truth is I don’t feel like keying anything right now…coz thoughts flow endlessly in my mind and I find it increasingly difficult to nail any one of them…it’s a tough task and I don’t want to face them…I don’t want to confront anything that runs in my head like an uncontrollable fire…